mandag 30. januar 2017

It Hurts So Bad

We had a bond, a unique bond, we had feelings for eachother or at least I thought so.
Remember all the fin we had, the good times and all the money we wasted? It was worth it though.
We used to the same path, nothing could keep us apart or break us even if we had our problems and difficulties. We cried,laughed and shared our souls with eachother. We did everything together!
You cheated on me twice, I took you back even though you broke my heart.
We got back on our feet,quit drugs and things were looking brighter than ever, finally we had a normal future ahead of us.
Unfortunately I got sick due to various things , you tried to help but I pushed you away and said some things I regret, but it wasn't me speaking and you know that!
As I became myself again I realized we were no longer together and you told me it was over and my was hurting 'cause I could not understand why and I started blamimg myself, was it because I got sick? Or did you love someone else? I never really understood until you showed up happy with a new guy and that was a punch in the face for me, but I kept my mask.
A year later when you came back to me you told me it was because I loved you more than you loved me and that's an honest and fair desicion.
When you told me that I started to wonder why you came back.
Was it because you needed a place to stay? I guess so now.
We decided to be friends even though it was hard for me since I had not stopped loving you since we broke up.
We stayed friends for a while even though I wanted it to be more, and eventually you gave me hints and said things about us maybe being together in the future.
After some time we decided to try again and I was the happiest man on earth even though you played with my heart and slept with other guys under the influence, and you said it was because of your drug  abuse you did those things, I don't really see that an excuse and since we were not together I thought well fuck it. I do not own you, but it sure as hell made me lose hope and got me insecure in every way possible.
In my world you don't sleep around with other guys when trying to build a foundation for a future relationship and are living under the same roof.
Maybe I'm a naive fool for letting you off the hook so easily and maybe the best thing would have been to show you the door, but I loved you even after all the shit and disrespectfulness you put me through.
I'm not saying I'm perfect but I try hard every day to show you that I love you by doing things for you , support you and comfort you when you are down, but I felt like no matter what I did it was good enough and no matter how hard I looked in the mirror I wasn't pretty enough for you , now I'm finally somewhat happy with myself (that's a lie) I will never be again, at least it feels so 'cause when you've grown up hearing everybody talking about how ugly and far from pretty one look it's dann hard to convince yourself otherwise.
Do you think it's for fun I've turned to drugs all these years?
It's simply because when I do drugs I can see myself in the mirror and actually believe and tell myself  that I look good without those negative thoughts telling me the opposite.
Noen of this is your fault, but when you do the things you do it makes those thoughts come back and it certainly does not make me feel like a man, nor the way you act and talk to me,worthless is the right words and you blame the drugs for your acts and behaviour. Soo.. why didn't you quit? Is a fuckin' needle and a silverspoon worth more than me?
It seems so.. I've given you too many chances and you always promise, always promise to quit. You never do and honestly I've lost faith in you even though I love you I have to let you go 'cause if not I'll end up in the same Dark spot as you are in, and I honestly don't want to go back there. So after all, maybe you did me a favour by breaking my heart again, maybe it was destiny taking it's toll. After all I realise how stupid and naive I've been all the time. I don't hate you, nor despise you. I feel sorry for you and I'm sad you chosed the path you did, maybe one day , if you survive to see that day, you'll sober up and realise how much I loved you and all the sacrifices I made to help you get out, so let's hope you live to see that day so you can realise how beautiful you are on both sides ,let's hope we both live so both can look in the mirror and talk to other people without feeling worthless. I know your pain and you know mine, too bad it wasn't enough to keep us together. I guess our insecurities and lack of self confidenc that made all the missunderstanding that kept our love broken in the end, even though we still love eachother. It hurts so bad but there is nothing more for me to do or nothing I can do as long as you don't want it yourself. I will probably forgive you one day, but I will never forget. Goodbye!

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